Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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