Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
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would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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