Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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