You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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