is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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