I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
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She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
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I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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