also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
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phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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