He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My vagina just clenched in fear
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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