I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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