i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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