Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Can't talk, ducks in the car
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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