If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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