Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
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I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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