If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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