Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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