I think I died a long time ago.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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