mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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