She said her name was "party"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
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On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
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Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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