I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
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Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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