This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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