bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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