You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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