hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
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Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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