she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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