i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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