So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize