You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
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Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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