Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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