Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize