my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
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I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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