You're earring is so big in my mouth
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize