he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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