after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
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I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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