So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
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Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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