Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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