i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize