Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
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i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
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the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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