Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
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This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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