It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
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So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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