That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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