WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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