You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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