got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize