Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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