I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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