it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
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The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
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I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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