whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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