what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im holly from the hills drunk
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
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My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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