I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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