Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize